Seven months, So far no Monks

Seven months …. Geee … this I what you get from a seven month absent. SPAM!

Maybe I should start tidying up my blog a little ….

Tangerine living amongst orchard meadow in deliberation of sunshine adoration …
In purposefulness walk and vigilant talk …
Hmmm ... Just very bored ;-)

Sunshine Voyager

So much has happened since my last entry. Besides my indulgent on the Voyager series, major changes are set to overwhelm my tangerine life pretty soon. Anyhow, I’ve already pampered myself for 3 seasons of Star Trek since my purchase. Starting season 4 now. Maybe I should go easy on them else I’ll finished the entire series by end of November. I guess I can’t help watching episode after episode, night after nights. It’s just so exhilarating. In chorus, I felt like my life resembling Voyager; Lost but trying every endeavor to survive and to voyage back home regardless the obstacle. If only I knew where home is.

So how should I begin? It’s been a while since I’ve forced myself to a job interview. The word forced seems mandatory. Who would want to have a 9 to 6 job if the heavens are kind enough to bestow unlimited wealth of everlasting riches? It’s after all a down-to-earth humanity that we live in. There is no such thing as free lunches in my tangerine world. Looks as if that the whole equation comes at a price. A very dear price I would say but that’s subjective. I had my job interview on Thursday and they offered me the appointment the next day. They must be desperate for cheap labor.

Full time employment might not be a bad thing in any case. I presumed that the general publics are under some full time employment arrangement one way or another. Surely not everyone has the luxury of self-employment or is willing to take the step of entrepreneurship. My carefree freelance days are imminently coming to an end. Maybe I’m going no where due to my stubbornness or perhaps I’m finding every opportunity I have to settle down in Singapore where I get to be with my sunshine indefinitely. When affection are so strong that it clouds every rational judgment and decision of my career path, there is nothing much that can be done accept for trust. Trusting myself that in whichever circumstances that I might pursuit, the route might eventually lead to splendor. Trusting God not for the perfect endowment but entrusting that strength in hope against hope may well in due course lead to blissful fulfillment. After all, we should be thankful for all things, good or bad; happy or sad. I’m after all a tangerine discovering to appreciate happiness with a different light. Luminous light for my sunshine sight.

I’ll be commencing my employment starting next week on the 17th. Definitely a very rushed decision and leaving me not much time to settle my errands. Predicaments of relocation are surely a problematic affair if not a mind throbbing one. But that’s only the least of my worries. So much reservation on uncertainty to start all over again yet so contented in preparatory of a brand new sparkle to be together with sunshine. Then again, can I survive without my own car in Singapore? Can this tangerine still enjoy a mollycoddle lifestyle in the midst of public transport? Will this tangerine stand being confined within a science park between 9 to 6? Am I capable of the escalating impending job responsibilities? Is my remuneration package enough to survive? Will the sky still be blue and the sea spread afar with a luminous translucent green hue?

Relocating more than 450km at a distance is surely nonconforming. Nothing will be the same anymore. My life will never be the same again. Though the identical tangerine within the midst of shimmering sunshine, it’s after all a different orchard. The orchard of a frantic eventful road. Living amongst lemons and oranges flanking busy Orchard Road.

Tangerine Voyager

It’s when one loses its common sense that he/she is most vulnerable towards temptation. Enticement of excitement through persuasion of attraction by pure magnetism of allure and appeal in relation to desire and craving. I’ve been tempted and therefore I have sinned. Sin of peccadillo pecuniary crime of over exhausting delicate resources in non viable and pointless inflated fancy kind. Yes, I did it again … I’ve just spend RM358 on adulterated copies of illegal DVD9 Star Trek: Voyager – Season 1 till 7. And I’m not even sure that it’s a good price that I have splurged. Doesn’t really look like the original … okay, I’ve never seen the original before but I guess there’s no use regretting now. I’m actually very happy that I’ve finally bought it. My desire can rest in peace while I relive my fictional fantasy. I just hope this tangerine can stay juicy till my next credit card statement comes! Oh no!? What have I done !!!??? Maybe I can sell it off as second hands after I’m done with all 172 episodes. Ermmm …is that common sense?

Down with 1 Right

Though armed with high hopes and ambitious endeavor of infinite dreams and ideas, of endless venture and everlasting conviction, of certainty and passion for victory… I would still fail. Setback from instigation without the discipline, without restraint and without the parameter of wisdom… these could be the causes. For dreams can be misleading ideas and impulsive ventures has no certainty in assurance while self-enthusiasm is definitely no guarantee for victory and triumph. We are but what we eat. We get flab from eating fat. To swallow our own defeat might make us an even more pathetic useless ditch.

Thus, claiming being defeated is but an excuse for saying that “I could have won…”. What an egoistical narcissistic opinion of self when there is no battlefield in fantasy dreamland nor enemies to assault in a self-fabricated falsified consciousness. There is neither defeat nor victory in a self-centered self-seeking paradise. I am but imagining my own success. Now I could be imaging my own failure of uncertainty. Ambiguity to life and indistinctness to live. So who is lying to me? My own self or the deceitful society of falsehood? Is it my own propaganda to my peculiar reality? Or reality in hypocrisy to fidelity?

It’s depressing to realize that my very walk in this humanity is spiraling round like a lost sheep. I’m but a desiccated tangerine rolling around aimlessly in vulnerable circumstances of seeking and searching. To find what I do not know and to discover what I cannot see. To venture into desire of my impulsive belief in certainty but yet without guarantee of security. I no longer know what I need or what I should do. I’m but following my heart in personification of hope that I have done my optimum part. To maybe just live. To breathe airs of hopeful atmosphere from the affection flourish by my beloved sunshine cheer.

Nevertheless, I can’t see a right out of my many wrongs that sung me many depressing songs. Two wrongs don’t make a right and my many mistakes surely didn’t bring about happy moments and easy going rides. I could be optimistic about lessons learned and I can believe in how disappointment can eventually carry me to betterment. But what I need now is just some common sense to eventually take me forward to opportunities and good prospect of the imminent. Which is why I’m depressed. Common sense isn’t everyday typical commodity. It’s truly hard to come by and harder to grab hold. I’ll just have to stay strong in sanity to make good judgment out of sensible sensibility. I’m just thankful that at least now I have sunshine in certainty. The only right that I have now in my tangerine reality. Well ... maybe ...

Insomniac Pang

Been slouching on the bed for hours trying to sleep. This tangerine is having problems sleeping again. The annoying headache certainly doesn’t help. The loneliness of the still quiet night amplifies the irritation unto agonizing heights. The consciousness of self can only bring about memories and thoughts that further induce mental lost. Lost for time and lost of self to the deprivation of the slumber kind.

Eyes shut but the mind opens to endless notions of joy, horror, worries and sorrows. It’s but a circus of emotions having a jamboree of commotion. It’s just me, myself and I with the full moon shining bright without sunshine by my side. In subtlety, loneliness creeps into a new manifestation that transpires even more lost and forlorn. We are never alone by being by ourselves. We are truly alone when we are accompanied by everything and everyone yet our heart and mind exist in a different dimension of space and time. I’m but a tangerine trapped in an inconceivable perplexing mime. A mime of boundless space within infinite escalating time, accompanied by demoralizing headache of the excruciating kind. Tears ardently convene a clichéd meaning to Ms. Mel Ancholy.

Sunshine Rate

A weekend without sunshine can truly be lonely. And the fact that next week will be another week without sunshine certainly didn’t help perking up my cheery attitude. Its like locked in a room without any hint of sunlight. Emptiness can certainly be intimidating not to mention solitude. Even when one knows that it’s just temporary but the longing for each other are just two much to endure … even for just 2 minutes. And I’ll have to bear with it for 3 weeks. At our age, we certainly feel like teens in love. Yearning based on needs and craving for each other build upon desire. No rational or sensible judgment can separate our thirst for each others touch. We are just like kids, at least I thought so.

Never have I the notion of me tangerine able to turn into an aficionado of endless affection. Never have I craved for so much fancy and hunger for someone. Never have I ached for others discomfort and anxiety because of adore. Never have I discern the person I am now. Whether is it a good thing or an unhealthy warning, I seriously don’t care. Living the moment is heaven. Contemplation of what’s right, what’s wrong, what’s reasonable and what’s sensible are but worries of never-ending predicaments. I rather look forward for a future than to look backward rooting in departed nature. I can’t make sense of it all, I just … need.

Unquestionable, everything comes at a price. If there’s one thing that I’ve learned through my brief working existence and my pithy young adult life, it’s this – There’s no such thing as free lunch! Everything comes with a price-tag. The amount is relative but the cost is surely subjective. I’m old enough to realize that even love and affection is no gratis. Complimentary maybe but only by means of more adoration warranted. We love because we need to be loved and because we are loved that we love even more just to love. I can’t really describe my way of behaving now but I do know for sure, all comes at a price, even love. And from what I can ensure in certainty, my wallet is paying for the cost of love and my time relished on passion. My sky high phone bills are but outcomes of our passionate yearning for closeness … even if it’s just sensory of tender waves. Yet I know, it’s all worth it simply because the cost of love is subjective.

ROM

Didn’t get to see my sunshine this weekend but I did enjoy the rather nice merriment of two lovely couple taking the big step of matrimony. Oh well … not the ceremony though but the logical succeeding stage after couple-hood. Yup, the Registration of Marriage. The significant pledge to being together in lawful and legal binding assurance. Where two unite in mutual expression of commitment to each other through outward manifestation of personal signature marked on officially authorized ROM document with a price tag of mere RM$140. I guess that’s a small sum to pay compared to the proper walking down the aisle and traditional Chinese dinner ceremony. But it’s never about the rites but what’s right in the hearts of each other. It’s a blissful apparent action to commitment, dedication and assurance. I wish you both everlasting bliss and I’ll definitely look forward to your celebration dinner next year. Cheers!

An Apple's An Apple

Life is so much more livable during the old days. So much more less complicated and surely less hectic. Of course it is … I’m still young then. Very young and very innocent. Seems that every viewpoint perceived is rightly pure and uncomplicated. An apple is an apple and a hug is just a cuddle that makes you fuddle.

As life goes on and days go beyond, we forget about the in-complicacy of normality and ordinariness of our core philosophy. The philosophy of our principles, ideology and integrity. We probably believed in our good way of life as how we are thought and how notions of customary and religious uprightness is respected and reserved. That’s good upbringing from the time since gullible puberty. Yet somehow along the route of existence, philosophies are but viewpoint turned pointless and belief became certainty of lost and brokenness. We possibly no longer believe in what we hold and no longer trust in our judgment that we chose.

An apple is no longer just an apple. It could be of luminous lime green or pinkish red color sheen. It could even be the fruit of knowledge in the Garden of Eden else the source of Vitamin C to keep away dreaded doctors’ appointment. In any case, an apple is no longer an apple. The fact is that we grew, we developed and we experienced. We are but adolescent Eves that are tempted to sample the fruit of comprehension and transgression.

I guess the good thing is that we are no longer young and innocent. And as we get older, hopefully we get even more sensible and wiser. But the lessons in life must truly be learned through everyday vibes from day after day in our forthcoming way of life. Yet if we are to store our dreaded unwanted teachings of reality in our vast closet of archived guilt and remorse, we are but prisoners of our own shame not able to believe that one day we can grow up and face positively about our future coming days. To store and not recall the past are surely effective ways to overcome unwanted query and unwelcome face. But how long can we hide in our complacency of self-satisfaction of fantasy fabrication? We can forget but we can never beget our once painful soul to heal through mental neglect. The wound needs to be healed and nurtured and best shared with someone treasured.

I’m beginning to appreciate my wounds and scars. They reminded me of the mistakes and senseless deeds of my past. And it’s that heartbreaking sad reminder that teaches me to be strong and not blame myself personally because surely there is nothing I could do about it now. For each time I live side by side with my unwanted past, I grew stronger with my personal self-assurance and occasionally even have a few gawky laughs. Because there is nothing really funnier than be amused by our very own personal comedy of life’s humor. If we can laugh without guilt and shame, then we would have truly live a life of wholesome uncomplicated moments of cheerful exuberance. Everyone wants sugar, spice and everything nice – but it’s much nicer to have a life without remorse and annoying bygone flies. And much more bliss to have a significant other to share that painful reminder through thick and thin with appreciative cheerful tender.

So an apple can be just an apple. Why bother about whether if it has worms or is it juicy sweet to the core? Take a bite and we will know… for future is meant to be sampled.

Sunshine in Unity

Affection can surely cloud our rationale for any validation of everyday pragmatism. We probably can’t think right when we’re in cloud nine appreciations. Well, at least that’s true for my case. For desire, I perhaps would sacrifice the whole lot… all in the name of love. And truly I believe that many will do the same too regardless of how much it will cost. Of detriment, compromising and pain - no matter what happens or might happened from uncontrollable dispersed of unfounded decisions made or satisfied. It’s when we ardor each other that nothing else really matters anymore. The moment of tenderness is all that present and reality of everyday till coming days are clearly absent. Certainly that’s so true for blossoming sweethearts happily smooching away in public parks as if they really exist in a people nonexistent twosome world. I guess treasuring the moment does make a difference. Pondering on future outcomes is better if not in attendance.

What’s special is never the act acted out upon. Surely the exchanged of fluids and touching of tender lips or even the stroking of receptive tongue is nothing semblance to sugary romantic. What are exclusive are two generous givers of passionate passion that ultimately transpire the action acted upon to be so special and desired. It takes two hands to clap because with a single palm the resounding reverberation of love will never truly be sound. So I believe when two embrace each other in sincere heartfelt unison, it’s our adoring hearts that senses the echo of loving tender ardor of appreciation. The emotions resonating so freely for each other in unity are truly an indulgence of delight. Even the holding of two hands brings about abundance of relishing blissful light along busy and crowded orchard stride. It’s never the act; it’s just skin to skin – feelings for each other akin.

So when sunshine embraced my every sensuality of emotions, the warmth felt are truly bliss. But only if you like sunny beaming sunlit bright cause sometimes we get scared of painful sunburn fright. Having too much of something does not necessarily equates to having plenty of good things. But not having an abundance of desired affectionate feelings is definitely aphrodisiac for endless cravings and yearnings. This is why we need each other so much to satisfy our longing. And even if it will cost everything to be together, it is still worthwhile to sacrifice my whole tangerine being. Because even if I have every single entity I always wanted in my humanity but without my sunshine perpetuity, I will feel like I have lost all completely. Because without my other half, I am incomplete.

Sunshine Walk

I’m still in wonderment with my senseless unexplainable familiarity with my sunshine association and sweet twosome acknowledgment. At times I wonder if I really do feel that certain knowing and understanding of my sunshine even if my knowledge of our past ain’t consistent with our acquaintance and enthusiasm. We both feel the comfortableness together alike knowing each other for years yet we do not know much about our ancient past amid our brief history. Apart from what we let know, our information are but everyday summary of facts, reports and deliberation. Yes, conversation does bring two closer into eloquent comprehension. But can I in truth understand a person in totality of individual personality and charm? Similar to reading the bible, every word, every verse and every paragraph might bring us closer to knowing about God. But can we really discern and fathom Him in entirety through what we read or sermons we hear?

When I look up the clear blue sky with soft element of cotton-like clouds, I feel at peace with myself. When I see greeneries of endless vastness against the horizon of infinite oceanic sea, I sense hope. While the sun rise with breathtaking brilliance in the crack of dawn and rest with reassuring colors of insignia tangerine against warm evening ambiance, my heart is at ease with the heavens and my thankfulness for serenity is certain.

Now I’m even more excited with days ahead. Even if there’s never-ending predicaments of belabor and unwanted dilemma of pecuniary obscurity, I would want to endeavor and attempt for a future with sunshine forever. I desire bliss that every step I take, I’ll cherish them with eternal appreciation for the opportunity ahead. I can’t see my outlook, my imminent is surely vague. But my heart gives me strength to very well move ahead and let go of senseless worrying and abide with my every footstep … to make real my wish for a happy everlasting page. Maybe it’s that unexplainable familiarity that will eventually drive me to paradise. It’s because that I feel and I discern that I would want to know why. Why that familiarity and that comfortableness that one can have with that certain beloved person. What makes this tangerine cheery and hovering on cloud nine unison? I would want to know even if there’s absolutely nothing to know about. Surely life is full of surprises; good & bad, happy & sad and everything inside the magician’s hat. I’m just happy that I can stroll with sunshine over me and to this tangerine … that’s absolutely perfect!

Single Thought 009

Single Thought 009 can be found on the Project Petaling Street: Blog. For previous archives, please refer to this page of PPS Bloggers entries. Single Thought entries are under the author tag – tangerine. Cheers :-)

Sunshine, Secrets & Sincerity

I always see reality as what I reveal and bring to light in truthfulness and honesty to my surrounding. I don’t think that many people have really known me and actually know about my past. Surely some do know about what I do professionally, where I stay currently and even know about who I’m dating with presently. Yet apart from our apparent outward camaraderie, my tangerine familiarity between lemons and oranges are but what I reveal and make known publicly. This somehow makes it a fantasy for me. Surely what I do not tell, people do not know. Certainly what I wish how my live ought to be notice, it will exist the way I want it to be. Perhaps it’s just a self-made whimsy that everyone longs for but who can blame me for yearning a life of dreams and endless fancy. Surely no one can change the past which is why we need to hide our bygones and antiquities of lust. For everyone are but subconscious actors and actresses of a musical theater called ‘way of life, my fantasy and lies’.

For I yearn for sunshine day after day and night after night that I would not hide myself in my fantasy adobe of complacent contented dwelling site. It’s because I feel the need to bare myself all to sunshine that I should get out of my comfortable zone and be truthful about my past, present and future. Perhaps I do not want to carry my secrets and burdens into my future no more. Surely I want to treasure my present without my past haunting my sunny sky with a murky overcast of sadness and cheerless cries. Maybe it’s the need to have an honest and truthful relationship that I’m willing to disclose my complete whole. All for the desire of a future that I’m prepared to embraced through sincere thoughts, faithful bond and unpretentious association of everyday accord. I truly need a union that’s of fantasy realism but of everyday genuine reality of pragmatism.

I cannot force the sun to persist in shinning, I cannot stop the breezy wind from not ever blowing and I cannot stop the showery skies from freely pouring. I can only render sincerity and stripped myself from my past and embrace my current lovely surrounding and just hope for a simple straightforward new beginning. Without lies, without deceit, without falsehood, pretense and senseless deeds.

I’m still amazed by your willingness to give it a try and I’ll cherish you even more for that 2nd YES that's given to me so sweetly and caringly.

Sunshine Pending

Sunny days are always nice but here approach moments of dismay when the sky becomes cloudy and gray. At times gloomy and occasionally dark and dreary. That’s when we know that the rain is coming and our hearts wishes that it isn’t a storm approaching. Whether heavy downpour or light drizzle mizzle, the end result is surely no sunshine to embrace and no glittering stars that sparkle.

Yar… as optimistic as one can be, I truly cannot be sanguine about having everlasting sunny days. By nature we get too windy days, stormy hours and icy cold bitter winters. So pessimism is dangerous cynicism so as to our skepticism transpire our sarcasm and criticism towards a better future. Indeed, we fear only because we cannot anticipate and foresee the yet to come that we so needed to calm us down. For fear triggers apprehension through our inability to instigate sheer comprehension. For what we cannot see that we sometimes refuse to accept as reality. For which I foretaste fear as a certainty to our belief of the approaching reality, alike knowing that the rain is coming right after the sun stops shinning.

On the contrary, the sun continues to shine and sunshine keeps on shimmering on other parts of space that I cannot see during our rainy moments. But it is good to know that the sunshine exist still whilst I relished the gift of rainy ambiance and watery moist foundation. Ambiance of rational planning and saturated perseverance as foundation to look forward for healthier expectations.

Yes, why not? Why not relish the rain if not gloomy vibes while we wait for the clearing skies. Certainly cloudy days will turn blue again whereas the sun will shine with much to be amazed. Surely showery hours will cease and much excitement and vivacity awaiting us to conceive. Clearly I’ve witness sunshine and willing to wait for my luminous rainbow glow, release via radiance of sunny light to showcase ardor to my tangerine night. Even this tangerine knows that every cloud has a silver lining. For every storm will come and go and I wish for each downpour to end with an awe inspiring colorful rainbow.

Thanks for your sugary understanding and sweet thoughtful support :-)